I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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