i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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