I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
