When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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