yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
