Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
