Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
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I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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