you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
