who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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