fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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