so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
