Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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