Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
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Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
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