one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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