1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
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I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
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I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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