do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
