please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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