i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
