Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
