Your dad touched me again.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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