Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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