I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
