Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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