No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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