Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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