I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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