I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
