If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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