Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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