The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
