my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
