I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
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He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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