yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
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I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
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I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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