Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
