1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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