8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
