Nicole vs. Life
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
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We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
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if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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