Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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