I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
