i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
