Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
