it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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