You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
