Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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