Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
