mondays should just be called national damage control day
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
