last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I will pee on everything he values.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
