I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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