She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
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I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
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I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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