Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
