Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
