My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
