That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
